| just when i thought i lost my way, |
[July 05, 2010] |
I thought i could be stronger than i was. I thought i was able to take in everything, anything, anytime. I thought i stood a chance. I thought wrong. Have you ever felt how endless or pointless it is to chase for something that is unreachable, yet there's something in you, perhaps your heart that's resisting, persisting. We cant always get what we want, but we can achieve it as long as we believe in ourselves. Well day by day im losing hope? NO! Day by day i miss you, more and more.
There is something about you that i cant actually point out why i have such strong feelings for you. In the past, people come and go, and i let them go cause i know they are not worth the wait. However, you? Im speechless when it comes to you. My stomach cringe, my heart beats twice as fast than it usually does.
I close my eyes and all i see is darkness, like duh. But this darkness symbolises emptiness. I think im going crazy.
Right now, i just need to know that you're happy with him and as long as he can make you happy, im still able to smile. I'll come back stronger than i was before. But how long can i put this mask/facade on? Before everything gets crushed again and poof, comes the waterworks.
But right now, i can safely say, having good friends like Faith, Marcus, Winston, Edison, Lokies, Wolfgang and Bertram, i am able to stand up again. Knowing that they'll be there for me when my heart is full of sorrow and despair. Even with so much unknown along the way, i'll be ready to face it.Each phase of life brings its own joys (:
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| okay this space is dead. :/ |
[June 22, 2010] |
Happy 23rd Birthday Winston Lumenta!
-on a side note, i really could use a wish right now. im actually tired of waiting, but for what it's worth, im willing to wait for you.
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| Finding Seacreo |
[April 13, 2010] |
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2 days 1 night camp for Teens A.L.I.V.E kids, themed 'Finding Seacreo' is definitely a fun-filled, challenging and meaningful camp for myself! Being given the most noisiest kid and having to handle 9 kids with only Ain and myself as facilitators, but it's definitely a life-changing experience. where I have the direct contact to the participants and they're like my own little brothers and sisters already. PICTURES UP SOOOOOON :D
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| separation |
[March 26, 2010] |
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i keep telling myself not to open up the message history on msn that i had with you. unfortunately i succumbed to it :(
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| I thought our days would last forever, but it wasnt our destiny, cos in my mind we had so much time, |
[March 16, 2010] |
but i was so wrong.
i hate plaza sing now, everywhere i turn, i got reminded of you. where are you now? ohman. i cant believe im missing you all over again. i passed that stage, but why, why must memories of you appear in my mind and when im doing my work? i turn around, no one there to surprise me, i look up, no one there to watch over me ):
in need of a new plan, i cant go on suffering like this.
I just cant believe your gone, still waitin for mornin to come, when i see if the sun will rise,in the way that your by my side, where we had so much in store, tell me what is it. All reaching for, when were through building memories i'll hold yesterday in my heart, in my heart they can take tomorrow and the plans we made, they can take the music that wel never play, all the broken dreams, take everything, just take it away, but they can never have yesterday, they can take the future that wel never know they can take the places that we said we will go, all the broken dreams take everything, just take it away, but they can never have yesterday.
i know il see you again im sure, no its not selfish to ask for more, one more night one more day one more smile on your face but they cant take yesterday. no i can believe me i can still find the strengh in the moments we made, im lookin back on yesterday
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| let your heart be your guide. |
[March 11, 2010] |
there's too much to fear.
im sitting on a fence, which side do i want to go? soul searching for myself is needed. tmr shall be my alone day, disconnected from any form of social networking (highly impossible but i'll try) i need to know which direction to go now, i need to learn how to let go, and where do i go from here, what do i want now. so much to discover and enlighten. am i strong enough to face it all alone? well i have to! if not my 6 years of developing myself, physically, mentally and spiritually will just be of waste and who wants to see all those knowledge and experience go to waste? when i know im better than who i am now.
whose feelings doesnt get the better of them at times? it's my only weakness, im very vulnerable to my emotions, no self control and i'll affect everything i do. is it worth it? i think not. easier said than done right? i really need to tell myself, i am strong to conquer those overwhelmed emotions and take charge. believe it or not, i have different feelings for different people, therefore i tend to let my emotions get the better of me. help? friends before affairs of the heart?
and if it is space that you, it is space you shall get. i shant fight with you, not worth it. you win. im not a loser, i just want the best for you now. im trying to put everything behind and be happy for you. it's a brand new journey for you and i wish you all the best once again. on the other hand, i do miss you dearly, i just want to see your smile again, and see us getting along and laughing like no one's business! i believe that day will come. hold on there will be tomorrow, in time i'll find my way :)
win or lose, i cant have everything.
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| safe as could be (: |
[March 08, 2010] |
everybody needs inspiration.
i've been rather dumb all these while. doubted someone who treats me like a brother and i have to be so ignorant and self-centered that i didnt see what you were doing for me. you knew what's best for me and you knew how i will react thus she kept it from me, i am truly dumb founded. i am so sorry. nevertheless, i feel loved. just last night i was starting to doubt. but thankfully i dont have to look far for love cause it's right in front of me. I know nothing will ever change between us, not matter what happens, now or in the future, you're still the sister that i've never had. and i wish you all the best in this new journey of yours, im truly happy for you :)
 
with much love, Fahmi the Little Brother <3
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[March 08, 2010] |
im just a fool.
the truth does hurt :( real bad.
i cant find my way home anymore.
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[March 03, 2010] |
My night started out rough. super rough. didnt know how to deal with it (or dont want to succumb to my emotions, rather). Decided to jog it out. yes i've been jogging, and i love it. at the slightest breath i take, it made me realise how delicate life is. how vulnerable we are, i am to my surroundings and its massive impact on me. nevertheless by jogging, somewhat i feel part of my emotions got controlled by some inner will.
Bumped into dominic and deon while jogging. totally disrupted my plan to jog around that area for an hour. but what the heck, who would turn down good friends, right? jogged to wherever they were going and it was kinda productive, met jully! Ikea for supper. hanging with people like them, i can totally be myself. moreover, they're awesome bunch of people that'll take my mind off whatever im stressed about, my emo-ness become happiness and they definitely turned my frown upside down. 
now back to reality, im going to try to keep a distance from you. even if im not strong enough to overcome it, i'll still find a way to!
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[February 28, 2010] |
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no replies. im worried like fuck for you :(
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| Get me out of here |
[February 23, 2010] |
Have you ever felt like there's so much to say so much to pour out but you dont know how to?
I know i have tons to talk about but where do i begin? My life is in a mess right now. Did i make the right move? Or did i just lose someone? Perhaps i'm losing someone by the minute. Is it my negligence or rushing-into-stuff attitude?
Yeah who wouldnt want to be in a relationship right now? A life-long companionship. Being able to turn to someone when you need them the most, staring at your phone, knowing that that someone would text you and check on you and having someone to bring out the best in you. Wouldnt anyone want that kind of care, love and attention? But there's a price to pay for this. So much sacrifices to be made. Im willing to sacrifice for the one i love. I'll never be happy alone, that's just me.
I got to find my place in this world, hear my sound. Happiness is all i want now. Even as the saying goes, what's life without challenges? I think i had enough with my lonesome self. At the same time, im afraid. Afraid of what's in front of me, how it will affect me in the future and myself being so fickle minded. Ugh it makes it so hard no to cry.
Hopefully, U would give me chance. I really do. Maybe i should have taken it slow, but it's unfair for you to ignore just like that. Fyi, it's heart breaking. It seems like im a stranger to you. Im always overwhelmed with a sea of emotions when i come to think of this. Im trying to stay optimistic but i simply cant bear the pain that im facing now. I cant stand by the side and watch this life pass me by.
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| I am the lightning. |
[February 11, 2010] |
Have you ever wondered what if dreams turn out to be reality?
Certain scenarios that is being played in your head while you are asleep.
How i wished it could be real, at the same time i dont ever want it to happen. Well i wouldnt want myself to be sitting in the doctor's room being diagnosed with cancer, like nooooooo! I can still vividly picture myself in that horrible dream? Is this a sign for my to repent on my mistakes and make sure i gotta live life to the fullest, gotta live like we're dying? Okay i shant ponder on this matter and longer
Met Daryl and Shawn yesterday, decided to accompany them for their CNY shopping around Orchard. And i got to say Daryl is such an indecisive person! My legs had never been so numb from walking before. Okay maybe i had experienced it before, but it's been such a long time ago! The best part is, he DIDNT get anything in the end! Annoying, haha.
Dinner was yummy, and i was familiarized with the hierarchy system. Was warned about this certain someone that is lurking around in the circle, desperately searching high and low for attention that i believe no one wants to DONATE it to. Nuff said. I still want that blue shoes! dang it why are my feets so tiny! HAHA
And seriously Daryl and Shawn, you guys owe me, for making me wait at California Fitness like some idiot and loser who keeps on falling asleep and also, i felt annoyed that all the trainers are staring at me like im a freak or something :(
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| you're not sorry, but i am. |
[February 08, 2010] |
Im thankful, that i managed to go through day after day, without breaking down.
Yes i did and am still going on to put a strong front in front of everyone.
Quoted, 'I am like a duck' Graceful & calm but am actually paddling very hard in the water, fighting for my dear life. I wouldnt want to ruin everyone's mood by being emo or whatsoever, instead im still able to stay positive and hilarious with friends. Unfortunately it can never be the same at home. At night, I begin to be overwhelmed by a wave of emotions, which struck me out of nowhere. Perhaps, i've been keeping everything in, in the day and letting it out at night.
What am i to do? Well, let me say this, im going to keep the faith, keep fighting for this love, cause anything that is worth having, sure enough it's worth fighting for. I never meant to start a war, i never meant to hurt you. But my love always feels like a battlefield to me. Dont wanna hurt anymore :(
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[February 07, 2010] |
BUT
there's always this phrase 'i can never love another', i'll end up getting hurt in the end.
Im still willing to wait for you
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| fight for this love <3 |
[February 07, 2010] |
The feeling is so surreal; holding your waist, having a shoulder to lie on when i wasnt feeling too good. Or is this feeling just occured, for the sake of it, for the sake of me being alone for too long? Am i putting too much hope on the line? It got me thinking last night, before i sleep. 'Are you the one? These butterflies in my stomach, it hasnt been felt as such for a long time. I really cant forget about you, your face appears in my mind 24/7 and i really wanna meet you now, cause i miss you already :(
glitter in the air
Yes i felt a lover with just my hands, yes i've hated myself for staring at the phone, yes i've been touched so gently till i want to cry, yes i want to invite a stranger to come inside. I hope you'll call me sugar one day.
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bluesofmylife's journal
